» Radiation tri-blade » I should probably note that my email accounts have been hacked .. for some time now.

» Email Accounts Hacked

I have detailed the circumstances behind this hack on my » Contacts page.

So if you have received an email from me in the last several months, then it is probably bogus.

From some hacker pretending to be me.

Or if you sent me an email, it mayve been deleted.

I take the approach that anytime I am online the whole world is watching everything I do.

I dont know why hackers are so interested in my site .. seeing that there are so many more lucrative targets out there. (I dont sell anything.)

» No Money Fucknuts

If you happen to know this hacker, then tell Fucknuts that it is a stupid idea to hack people who have no money (since July).

They are just wasting their time trying to extract money from me. (I have not had a thousand dollars in a long time.)

Right now I cannot even afford the $5 a month to keep open my bank account. (It sucks not having a bank account.)

[ So if the site goes away in the next month or so .. then you will know that I was not able to scrape together the monthly webhosting fees ($56). ]

This is the same bank account that I had when that teller said to me, "I just want you to know that I sucked my thumb until I was twelve years old."

» The Child Support People Wiped Out My Last $65

The child support people say that I owe them somewhere around $45K or $50K. I cannot even afford the interest (10% annual) on this amount.

They sent a "legal action process" to my bank to try and get this money that I dont have. (Which they have done many times before.) I had $65 of SSI money left in my account, but my bank charges $100 to process their legal action.

So they get nothing from me, but my bank took the last $65 of SSI money that I had.

I was saving the $65 in case I needed to buy a new Waterpik flosser .. because the drymouth from the radiation to my salivary glands tends to rot your teeth faster. And I cannot do without a Waterpik.

After my bank account was wiped out (yet again) I deposited $11 in cash .. in order to try and keep my account open ($5/month service fee) .. but they took that too.

I think they are going to take everything I have until they get their $45K. "Too bad for you if you need toothpaste or a haircut," they say.

So it has become clear that it is an exercise in futility trying to keep open my bank account .. and I only have some nickels and dimes left. (No more paper money .. I spent my last two $1 bills at Starbucks on a medium coffee last week.)

» I have been in Worse Situations

But these trials and tribulations are not life-threatening .. so I just roll with them. I have been in more difficult situations, and I am not about the money.

And there is a part of me that actually enjoys facing down challenging situations and circumstances.

I know that I have the thing .. so I catch myself saying to the Writer in me, "I can't wait to see how we are going to get out of this predicament."

» Genuinely Grateful Just to be Alive

As previously mentioned, I have a number of things left over from the cancer treatment .. but I am just glad to be alive.

I am genuinely glad to be alive and I feel a genuine sense of gratitude for the simple things in life .. such as witnessing the arrival of a new season.

Which arrives Wednesday, 20 March 2019 at 2:58 PM here on the Left coast.

» Looking for a New Place to Live

I am looking for a new place to live. So if you happen to know of somebody with a spare house, or a spare room .. then I am interested .. preferably in Orange county, so I can be close to my son.

» Total Blackout

If he is still there, that is .. and she has not moved away .. which she has tried to do a number of times before. So I would not be surprised if she has.

It is a total blackout.

The last time I heard from my son (18 months ago) .. was a message that he left for me saying that he would, "Try to get mom to clear off some of her messages," so I could at least leave a message for him, telling him that I love him.

That was the last I heard from him.

Ever since the judge gave her "veto power" over me, and said that I have to go along with whatever she decides whenever we cannot agree (we never agree on anything) .. it would not surprise me if she has indeed moved away.

I fought her for years, trying to stop her from moving away with him. I drained my bank account and max'ed out all my credit cards.

» A Good Question

Friends would ask me, "Why do they want you to give her all your money when she only uses it to try and take him away from you?"

That's a good question. Maybe somebody knows the answer.

» Doing What is Right by Your Child(ren)

When the child support people send letters, they say things like, "Do what is right for your child(ren)."

What they mean by this is to » give the mom more money. But they never encourage you to spend more quality time with your child(ren). Not even one time.

They never send a letter to the mom telling her to stop asking for bullshit restraining orders that separate your child from his dad for an accumulated 3 months worth.

They never tell the mom that she should stop calling the police and child protective services and making false accusations against the dad.

They never tell the mom that is is not good to coach your son to say bad things about the dad. (As was reported in the 730 evaluation.)

They never call me up and ask me how they can help me to see my son more often.

This is because they dont care about these things. They only really care about the money .. even if the mom happens to use the money you give her to hire people in order to try and take him away from you and move away to another state.

And if you cannot pay what they say you need to pay, then they will take away your driver's license .. which they know will make it more difficult for you to see your son.

I could continue along these lines ad nauseum .. but my point is that they dont really care about the kids. They pretend to .. but they really dont.

See .. the county gets money from the federal government based on the amount of money that they extract from dads.

So the more money they can extract from you, the more money they get from the federal government.

This is why they are really about the money .. and could give two shits about the kids. It's a total scam.

They want you to do "what is right" for your child(ren) .. but they do not do what is right. Far from it, my friend.

» I have Never Seen a Child Do that for So Long Before

Speaking of the 730 evaluator .. one of the cute stories that I like to tell is when the evaluator came out to the house to conduct an evaluation.

(He is a clinical psychologist.)

They come on a day when you have visitation. My son was 3 years old at the time. (This was before he started going to daycare.)

I said to him, "A guy is coming out to the house today for a few hours to see what kind of a dad I am. Just be yourself and everything will be fine."

We began by sitting out in the rec room (« which is the detached building behind the collapsed umbrella).

I was sitting on the sliding metal loveseat there which is facing the TV. My son was sitting on my lap like he usually did. We were watching a DVD .. Finding Nemo or Happy Feet, I think.

The 730 evaluator was sitting in a comfy chair just to our left. We were all watching the DVD and he was asking some questions about where we got the DVD (rented from the library), and some questions about our routine.

After about a half-hour or so, we paused the video were going to walk over to the neighbor's house (a stone's throw away) down the street and jump on the trampoline in their front yard there.

(They had two boys who were expert trampoliners and could do mad flips and whatnot. Their mom said that we could use the trampoline whenever we wanted. My son had been bouncing on the trampoline ever since he could walk.)

I forget the fine details, but after we were finished there with Nemo, or maybe even with Lightning McQueen .. my son ran off to get something, and the Evaluator stood up and turned to me and said with a somewhat surprised look on his face, "I've never seen a child do that for so long before."

And I said, "Do what?"

And he said, "Sit there on your lap like that."

And I said, "Oh." That's when my son returned and we headed over to the trampoline. The Evaluator then began an inspection of the grounds .. to look for chemicals and/or poisons not properly stored, or stowed, or locked up.

He hit me for the Round-Up out in the back shed, and few other things. Little things.

He didnt like that I slept in the same bed with him. He told me to get a roll-away that slides under the bed, or another bed entirely.

We had a full-size bed. It was plenty big for both of us. He was so small, and it seemed like I hardly got to see him at all. I wanted to be as close to him as I could while I had him.

That was why we put the crib back in the bedroom. I had already sold the other crib. He never used the crib. Whenever I tried to put him in there, he would have none of it.

So it was there as sort of a prop .. which we used as a platform from which to play games. This was not the first time we had played the "You Better Not Climb Out of that Crib, Mister" .. or else. He obviously loved to play that game.

I would always change the "Or else" part to something new every time. I would always try to go beyond the consequences that I had laid out the last time we played this game.

It surprised me to see that he enjoyed it so much. I could feel something inside of me desiring to grow as a father .. as he grew as a boy. "What would I want as a son from my father."

This question been answered many different times by many different people in many different ways .. none better than Alice Miller, in my opinion.

You know the standard answer of "Love and patience and understanding and attentiveness and playfulness and emotional support." I could continue along these lines, but you feel me.

I am talking about all the things that mother nature bestows upon the parent. These are not things that you must summon. No, sir. Rather they come with the job.

When the 730 evaluator said this to me, about being surprised at how long my son had sat there on my lap like that .. I did not say anything, but I certainly thought, "Dude, this is nothing. He has sat here for waay longer than this." (I do not know how other dads are alone with their kids. He is all I know.)

If you are simply trying to put on a show for the evaluator .. he will see right through that. This is what they do. They are literally experts at evaluating the performance of parents .. across a broad spectrum of categories.

I called him up that time she spit in my face. I left a message on his machine. Then another, "Hey! Did you get the message I left about ...?"

That was during the 730 evaluation. He did not mention this in his report. No. Probably best that way. What kind of people spit on people? Did I ever get an apology? What do you think?

» Is that What He Told You?

The first thing that the evaluator said to me, when we first started watching the DVD was, "Did you tell him that I was coming?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "What did you tell him?"

I said, "I told him that a guy is coming out to the house today to see what kind of dad I am. Just be yourself and everything will be fine."

The evaluator then asked my son, "Is that what he told you?"

My son nodded and said, "Yeah."

The evaluator then scribbled some notes in his pad.

If you read his 35-page report, you will find that the 730 evaluator found evidence of coaching every time that he came out to the mom's place to do a similar evaluation with her and him .. even though she paid for the whole $6,000.00 evaluation.

» The Most Heartbreaking Question Ever

The total black-out might actually be easier to deal with, emotionally speaking. Since the answer to the question, "When am I going to see you again, dad?" .. breaks my heart.

If you happen to see my son, tell him that I love him, and to remember Fly-like-a-bird .. where we always come back to each other.

There is not much that I can really do right now. I simply do not have it in me to fight her. She is very good at what she does .. as you can see. She knows how to fight dirty.

This is one of the reasons why I tried so hard to be the best dad I possibly could .. because I could see that the courts were intent on fucking me over. And you can only take so much of that .. before your ass starts to feel like you are being ground down into the pavement.

It is a place that you cannot even imagine .. until you have actually been there .. for year after year.

Sure, it sucks. But I feel like I did as good a job as I could. Considering the circumstances. And the multitude of hostile forces arrayed against me.

Someday I may take it a step further and break it down for you in capital fucking letters .. so that it will be impossible for anybody to misunderstand me.

But now is not the time for that.

» My Shrink is Proud of Me for Confronting and Doing a Difficult Thing

I simply want to say here that I did this thing recently as a response to this story that my shrink told me on Valentine's day.

And he is walking me out after our visit is over. And we are cruising the hallway after a good visit where this personal story that he told me had helped me do this difficult thing.

And he says, "I dont say this lightly, but I'm proud of you."

To which I replied "I'm proud of me, too." Because this turned out to be a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

I was sort of telling myself that this would be cake .. but it wasnt. In fact, the reason why I ended up doing it .. was because I thought, "I'm not going to see my shrink tomorrow and tell him that I pussied out."

The doing it is not the problem so much as is the idea of doing it .. and dealing with the idea. You sort of have to trick yourself, or distract yourself.

Or pop some Ativan.

One time I save three or four shitty (administrative things that remind you of how fucked you really are) so I popped an Ativan before noon. (I usually wait to 10 PM or so. When bedtime gets close.)

And I remember thinking, "This is so cake. I dont know why I was freaking out before at the idea of doing this. This is the easiest thing I've ever done."

(That's how good Ativan is.)

I dont care how strong you are .. after being fucked over year after year .. by both the mom and the courts .. your ass is done.

Cancer it is for you, my friend. The never-ending (chronic) stress coming from a multitude of seemingly insane sources wears you down physically after a number of years.

Say hello to Ms. Chemo .. your new intimate partner.

This has been my experience. Welcome to my world .. a part of my world. The ugly part.

» When the Socioeconomic Algorithm is Designed to Bleed You Dry and Grind Your Ass into the Pavement

The system is designed to favor some types of people .. at the expense of others. This is by design. It is the design of the national socioeconomic algorithm.

And right now it seems to be slouching alarmingly toward fascism.

» More Fragile After Treatment .. Both Physically and Emotionally

After my SSI ran out, my friends said that they need my room for somebody who can help them more than I can.

I am not able to help them like I could before cancer treatment, which has left me in a more fragile state .. both physically and emotionally.

So I can certainly understand their point .. because I struggle just trying to take care of myself.

I have already submitted my name to multiple listings that deal with homeless people .. but they dont get serious about helping you find a place to live until you are "already living someplace uninhabitable" .. I am simply in no kind of condition to live someplace uninhabitable.

Plus I have no cash, no car, no driver's license, no credit card, three or four broken teeth in my mouth, with one tooth having two corners broken off, and a voice-box with radiation scarring that begins to fatigue after 45 mins or an hour of talking.

Plus, I hate asking family for help. It makes me feel like a piece of krap.

I have started receiving $192 a month for food stamps .. but you cannot buy soap or shampoo or anything but food with this card that they give you.

I am down to my final bar of (Ivory) soap, and I have a quarter-bottle of (Suave) shampoo left.

Anyway .. all my stuff is already boxed up and ready to go. As soon a super-hottie shows up here with a small U-Haul truck and two strong dudes .. I can be out of here in under an hour. I am ready to go right now. (I have been ready since Christmas.)

Did I mention that I am ready to go right now? T minus 60 minutes and I am outta here.

» Long-Term Stress is Not Good for the Cancer Survivor Because It Weakens the Immune System

But the stress of the whole thing is not good for the cancer survivor. All of my doctors say that long-term stress is not good .. for anybody .. especially not for the cancer survivor .. because stress weakens your immune system. (Selena knows what I am talking about.)

And nobody wants to be somewhere where they are not wanted .. especially not the cancer survivor.

Every time I get a call from the child support people telling me that I owe them shitloads of money, or a letter telling them that they will garnish any money that I do happen to get .. this triggers my anxiety.

So I just toss their mail in the trash and delete their calls .. because I already know what they say.

» They Bleed You Dry

I should post a copy of some of the mail that they have sent me recently. It basically says things like, "We have the legal authority to take whatever money you happen to come into .. either now or any time in the future .. until you are done paying us what we say that you owe. Have a nice day, sucker."

A number of times, I have requested a "modification" to their orders which order me to pay more than I can afford. But they always order me to pay more than I can afford. So I have learned that asking for a modification is a just a waste of time. (The last time I did this, they ordered me to pay even more.)

Every dad I know who has ever dealt with the Orange county child support services says the same thing » "They bleed you dry."

Is it any wonder that I got cancer?

» It is Not Easy to Stay Alive When They Continually Bleed You Dry Over the Course of Many Years

I am just trying my best to stay alive and I have nothing that they can take because they already took all my money and my driver's license and I sold my car to pay thousands in back child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. They have already put me in jail multiple times for not being able to pay what they said I need to pay.

First they ordered me to pay more than I could afford. And then, when I can't pay .. they put me in jail .. repeatedly .. which is why I say that the SYSTEM is really about the money.

» I Paid Child Support for 3 Years When I Didnt Have to

I was paying child support while I was getting SSI ($650 a month) .. which left me very little to live on.

You are not required to pay child support when you are getting SSI benefits. SSI is deemed a payment that child support services does not garnish. (For obvious reasons.)

But it makes me feel good to help out where and when I can .. because anything that benefits her is naturally going to benefit him.

So I paid child support even when I didnt have to. I did not pay the full amount every month, but I tried to pay whatever I could. And many months I did pay the full amount.

Moreover, I could have went back to court after I started receiving SSI and had the payment lowered to zero based on the SSI .. but I didnt. Because it made me feel good to help out.

(My friends told me I was crazy for not going back to court getting the monthly child support payment reset when I had the cancer and started receiving SSI disability benefits. Even the child support people told me I should do that. But I am not about the money.)

After the SSI ran out, I talked to the child support people and said, "Doesnt it matter that I paid child support for three years when I didnt have to?"

They said, "No."

They plugged in some numbers for me to see if they could lower my monthly payment.

I said, "That's more than I'm ordered to pay right now."

They said, "I know. You should just leave it as it is."

I said, "Thanks for nothing."

But, hey .. if they want to put me in jail again .. then they know where I live .. because they send me nasty mail all the time.

These letters trigger me .. because I have been getting them for so many years now.

» They Only Really Care About the Money

In all the many years that I have been dealing with the OC child support people .. and they have been calling me and telling me that I need to pay more money .. and in all of these nasty letters that they have been sending me ..

.. never once have they ever asked when the last time was that I saw my son. Not even one time.

At first, it was hard for me to believe that they really didnt care if I ever saw my son or not .. and that they really only care about the money.

But now, after all these years, it has been made clear to me that this is in fact the case. They really only care about the money.

» Have Not Seen My Son Since Cancer Treatment

I have not seen my son since cancer treatment (more than 4 years now). I am simply not that strong yet .. to make my way to Orange county.

The mere idea of connecting after a number of years .. is emotionally charged.

I have not even talked to him in some 18 months. I could not even leave him a message telling him that I love him .. because the message box on his mom's phone was always full.

The last thing I heard from him was a message saying that he would "try to get mom to delete some of her messages."

That was the last I ever heard from him .. and I am not able to fight her. I simply dont have the strength .. either physically or emotionally.

And she is way better at fighting than me. (She knows how to fight dirty. If she is on your side, you can go lie down and take a nap, and business will have been handled and taken care of when you wake.)

And the courts always take her side in these things (.. except for the Harvard Law lady judge, who was only there a very short period). The court gave the mom veto power over me. So she makes all the decisions regarding our son.

They wrote in the court order (something like) "Parents should try to work shit out .. but if they can't agree, then, whatever the mom decides goes, and the dad has to do whatever the mom says."

While walking out of the courtroom that day, I thought about what Paul said when he wrote » "He hardens whom He hardens."

Perhaps you can see why dealing with this stuff makes me feel depressed .. because the mom and I never agree. On anything. (Ever.)

The mom has said to me on a number of occasions over the years, "If you just sign over full legal custody to me .. you'll never have to pay me another nickel." (I have joint legal + visitation. Joint legal means that I am supposed to have a say in the decisions regarding our son.)

I am not about the money .. but the judge essentially gave her full legal custody when he gave her veto power over me. Full legal custody for her means that I get no say in the decisions regarding our son.

The judge did not use the phrase "veto power." He merely wrote in the court order that, if we could not agree, then I have to do whatever the mom decides.

Rather this phrase came from her lawyer. When I would call him up and ask him if her decisions sounded fair to him .. he would say things like, "Well, the judge gave her veto power over you. So if you can't agree .. then, that's just too bad for you, my friend."

After calling him a few times regarding decisions that she was making .. I got the message and stopped calling.

This is why I would not be surprised if she has indeed moved away with him .. because the judge said I had to go along with whatever she decides.

The mom is actually not about the money either .. which is one of the reasons why I liked her. But the courts have weaponized money for her against me.

Whenever the mom would say this to me .. about me signing over full legal custody to her, I would always say, "Put it in writing," .. because I wanted to be able to show it to the court.

But she never would. She's smarter than that.

» Discriminating Against Dads

Since I moved to San Diego county in 2011 .. she has never once brought him here to see me. Not even one time. I always have to go there to see him. Always. Which is tricky .. because I havent had a driver's license or a car since 2009.

(Tho she has taken him to Michigan every year, twice a year, to spend both the holidays and a week during the summer with her family there.)

If I want to bring him here for a weekend, then I have to find somebody to both drive me up there to pick him up, and then again to bring him back.

The courts discriminate against dads .. because, if I did the things that she does, things would be very different for how they would treat me.

» When Justice Comes Out Perverted for Dads

When I write pages with titles such as:

I know what I am talking about .. from firsthand experience. I have plenty of firsthand experience with justice coming out perverted.

Many years worth. Too many years worth.

» One of the Many Ways that the Courts Discriminate Against Dads

There have been many times when I have gone to pick him up at his mom's place for a court-ordered visitation and she is simply not there. She is not home. Nobody answers the door when I knock. And she doesnt answer her phone.

After several dozen such times, I started driving over to the local police station and there I would file a report on a form specifically designed for such things. The police keep the cover sheet and you get the carbon copy.

After I had a dozen or so of these forms, I filed a contempt-of-court form with the courts .. to try to get her to give him to me when the courts say that I am supposed to get him.

But when I went to court that day, the judge said to me, "These sheets of paper mean nothing to me. They are simply your word against hers. You need to call the police and have them come out to her house and show them a copy of the court order and have them knock on her door for themselves and have them verify that she is in fact not home."

Which I started doing. But the police are busy with other more important stuff. You will have to sit there and wait for them for at least an hour to show up. And most of the time, they never do come .. because they are too busy with more important things than your insignificant visitation problems.

So I realized that, if she is not there, then I am really just shit-out-of-luck.

» But then When I DO have Witnesses Present, They Dont Want to Talk to Them

So the court tells me that they want witnesses with eyeballs to testify in order to corroborate my claims and my assertions of the nasty shit that the mom is doing.

So, there was a time when two Child Protective Services workers has come out to the house to investigate claims (more lies) that mom had made against me.

While they were there at the house, I told the CPS workers that the mom had spit in my face (which is a crime of assault) .. while I was handing my son to her when she had come to pick him up after a visitation.

I did not drive over to the police station to file a report, and let them swipe her spit on my face and analyze it for her DNA .. because I didnt want her to get into criminal trouble, and I didnt want to leave her spit on my face for that long.

But I had people there at the house who witnessed her spitting in my face and who went out to her car and confronted her, saying to her face, "What kind of person spits in somebody's face?"

When these two CPS workers came out to the house that day, I asked them if they wanted to talk to my witnesses. They said, "No."

When I told my judge-friend that they didnt want to talk to them about the spitting in my face, he said, "I can't believe that they wouldnt want to talk to a percipient witness."

You will have to try to guess at why they wouldnt want to talk to witnesses who were right there, and who could vouch for my claims ..

.. but my point here is simply to say that they were only interested in finding things that corroborated the mom's (fabricated) claims against me (which they couldnt) .. but not my truthful claims against the mom .. when I had witnesses right there for them to talk to .. who could verify my claims with their own eyeballs.

This is yet another example of why I say that the system discriminates against dads.

I have a million of these types of stories.

» The Court Refused to Let Me Review (for Accuracy) the Contents of the Paternity File that I Myself had Filed

[ Remind me to tell you the story of what happened that time when I went to the courthouse and tried to check out and review (for accuracy) the contents of the Paternity case file that covered and held all these false accusations against me .. when they refused to let me see it. This was up on the 7th floor, I think. It was either the 6th or 7th floor where you file paperwork. There are a maybe 6 or 8 windows there. You take a number and go sit down and wait for your number to show up on the digital screen mounted high on the wall. You normally have to wait an hour or 90 minutes, because lawyers get head-of-the-line privileges. (Sometimes longer.) If you have been waiting there for over an hour, and a lawyer walks in, he goes ahead of you. You cannot possibly imagine the number of hours that I spent there at this courthouse over the years. ( 99% of it was wasted time.) I went to the courthouse that day specifically for this purpose, and I had to wait a long-ass time for my number to be called. It is just like talking to a bank teller, who stands behind thick, bulletproof glass. They told me that only a lawyer could check out and review the contents of this file because it dealt with a minor-child. I mean, this was MY minor-child that they were talking about. But I no longer had a lawyer, because I could no longer afford one. Because I had spent all my money and max'ed out all my credit cards trying to defend myself against an unrelenting stream of false accusations. And the court "denied" my request for lawyer's fees, which were more than I could really afford. I bet that, if the court had granted me lawyer's fees, then the mom wouldnt have felt so emboldened to keep making one false accusation after another. Ya think? This request on the 7th floor of the courthouse was for the file for the Paternity case that I myself had filed with the court .. to try to get to be able to see my son, because the mom refused to let me see him after we had separated before he was 6 months old. Now you might think that the courts would want to make it easy for dads to be able to spend time with their kids and to be a part of their life .. but you would think wrong, my friend. You would be very wrong. How many of these types of stories would you like to hear? I have miillions that I could share. Is it really any wonder that I ended up with cancer? It struck me as suspicious when the court refused to even let me look at the file for the case that I myself had filed .. because it was a little birdie who told me and suggested that I should review the contents of the file, saying, "Because there might be stuff in there that shouldnt be in there, and there might not be stuff in there that should be in there." And this was recommended to me in a strange sort of way. ]

» The Court Gladly Embraces her Repeatedly Fabricated Lies Yet they Flatly Reject My Truthful Claims

So notice how, if I go to the court, and I tell them the truth .. that she does not give him to me when the court-order says that I am supposed to get him. And I happen to show the court all these dozen-or-so forms that I have accumulated from filling them out at the local police station over the course of several months .. they simply dismiss this as an insignificant, meaningless claim.

But, on the other hand, if she goes to the court, by herself no less, and tells them that I am doing the most horrible things that you could ever imagine .. the court does in fact listen to her and gladly embraces her fabricated claims, and file a restraining order against me for her .. that says I can't see my son for 21 days.

Heck, they will even pay for the local sheriff to serve me with this restraining order. But they will not pay for my papers to be served when I need to serve her. I have to pay for those myself. $65 every time. (Ask me how I know.)

Now, after 3 weeks, or 6 weeks, then I can go to court and tell them that she is full of shit. But this costs me a lot of money in lawyers' fees. Money that I dont have .. because they order me to pay her more money than I can afford.

But, when I ask them if I can be reimbursed for these very expensive lawyer's fees .. they always say, "Denied."

And no matter how many times she does this, and no matter how much money it costs me to defend myself against her false allegations .. it keeps happening .. for years and years.

So they gladly embrace the repeated horrible lies that she tells them about me .. and yet they flatly reject the truth that I tell them about her.

This is but one of the many reasons why I say the courts discriminate against dads. And this is but one of the many reasons why I have lost all confidence in the Family Law court system.

» Make-Up Visitation Always Denied Despite 3 Months Worth of Bullshit Restraining Orders

And when I ask the court if I can get some make-up visitation .. because this has now been 3 months worth of Restraining Orders that have prevented me from seeing my son .. and every one of these Restraining Orders have been deemed bullshit by the investigating authority (such as detectives and whatnot) .. they always refuse to grant me any make-up visitation.

Never once have they ever given me a single day of make-up visitation. Not even a single hour. Not even a single minute .. after I have been robbed of 3 months worth of visitation.

» Judge Refuses to Review the Tape of the CAST Interview with My Son

When the Costa Mesa (lady) detective told me that I should request that the judge review the tape from the CAST interview with my son (.. which he went to on two different occasions) .. because it will clearly reveal the true nature of our relationship .. the judge flat refused to review the tape.

I forget what bullshit excuse he gave me. I think he said that he couldnt figure it out. The detective told me that the judge will often request a copy of the CAST interview to review for themself.

» Yet Another Reason Why I have Lost All Confidence in the Family Law Court System

The details are blurry, but the bottom-line was that he refused to review the recording of my son's interview with these professionals.

Orange county CAST Team personnel

This is yet another reason how the courts encourage her to keep acting crazy .. which everybody agrees affects my son.

There are other recordings that this judge either would not view or said he hadnt. (I am talking about the "bathtub video" created by the mom feeding lines to my son to repeat about me, which she submitted to the court.)

» The Detective's Parting Rhetorical Question

Speaking of acting crazy .. the detective told me (to my face) that, when they told the mom that they had found no evidence (yet again) that my son had been abused .. that the mom totally lost her shit. She melted down. She blew a gasket.

So badly did she freak out, that they refused to release my son to her. Because her mental state at that point was not fit to responsibly care for a young child, especially not driving a car.

They went and fetched some mental health-type of people .. to try and calm her down. After an hour or so they finally agreed to release my son to her.

The first thing I said to this detective, after meeting her, was "I will gladly go take a lie detector test right now .. if it would help."

As I was walking away (the detective had walked me out to the beginning of the parking lot) .. as I was walking to my car, she called out to me. When I turned around, she said, "What kind of parent freaks out to learn that her son hasnt been abused?"

We held that eye contact for a pronounced pause .. before we each turned and went our separate ways. I recall the sympathetic look on her face.

This particular detective had been investigating such abuse cases as part of the CAST Team for 5 or 6 years.

Everybody even remotely familiar with my case could see exactly what was going on .. except for the judge.

I have a million of these types of stories.

» The Judge Repeatedly Ignores an Obvious Crime and Opts Instead to Send Me to Jail Time and Again

It is a crime to make false criminal reports (repeatedly) to the police. The judge obviously knows this .. but he did not seem to care. He opted instead to look the other way .. time and again.

Rather he opted to have me sent to jail on multiple occasions because I could not pay what he ordered me to pay .. because it cost me so much money to pay my lawyer to try and defend myself against the mom's repeated false accusations. Fuck him.

I ended up max'ing out every credit card I had .. all six of them.

You know what they say .. the innocent suffer for the guilty.

» I Contacted the Orange County District Attorney for Help

After about the dozenth false report made against me by the mom, I started feeling desperate and called the Orange County DA's office, looking for any help I could find .. and told them the story of my plight.

They said, "I dont mean to belittle your situation, which I am sure must be very distressing .. but we have limited resources and we are currently pursuing cases where a parent steals a child and leaves the state, or leaves the country. The judge over your case should be handling the situation for you."

He was actually very understanding and sympathetic .. but the current judge over my case was only encouraging the mom to continue making more of these false reports.

This is when the Dog suggested that I contact my congressman (Dana Rohrabacher) for help. Which I did.

» Ask Me If I Gave a Fuck

The judge did not like when I called him out on his bullshit, and on his glaring inability or refusal to see what was so plainly obvious to everybody else.

He let me know that he did not like this. From his perch there, seated above me behind his big desk, he let me know that he did not like it one bit.

Ask me if I gave a fuck.

I did not tell him to go fuck himself .. but you can bet your ass I was thinking it.

I am not afraid to toe-up with these fuckers in positions of authority over me when they are fucking up.

» The Judge Denied My Request to Recuse Himself from My Case

After I could see that this judge was intent on fucking me over .. I submitted special paperwork to try and get him to recuse himself. But he refused. He insisted on remaining as the judge over my case. He wrote on the paperwork that I had filed, "Denied. Not timely."

I still have this paperwork somewhere here .. stashed away in one of the boxes that I have full of my court paperwork accumulated over the years.

» Family Law Court is Little More than a Glorified Collection Agency

Perhaps now you can see why my experience has been that Family Law court is little more than a glorified collection agency .. that really cares little about the kids, and is primarily designed to bleed dads dry and grind their asses into the pavement ..

.. all while intermittently draining their bank accounts of every last penny .. and repeatedly throwing their asses in jail when they can't afford to pay what the court ordered them to pay. (Ask me how I know. I dare you.)

I could certainly go into mind-numbing detail here about exactly why I feel this way, because I have had so many years of personal, firsthand experience dealing with the system that bleeds and grinds. But this would probably worsen my depression.

» Taking Away My Driver's License Makes It Much More Difficult for Me to See My Son

They obviously know that taking away my driver's license makes it more difficult for me to see my son .. but they dont care about me seeing my son. They only care about the money.

They obviously know that repeatedly draining every last penny out of my bank account adds to the stress in my life. But they do not care about the stress that they add to my life.

These fuckers have never seen anything the likes of me before. And I'm just getting warmed up.

Where did I put that Ativan?

» My Shrink is Steering Me to Confront the Most Depressing Aspects of My life

My shrink has started dealing with me regarding this issue .. which is definitely the most troubling aspect of my life right now.

I did not want to talk about this aspect .. but he steered me in this direction. I was simply avoiding the whole situation .. because I did not feel strong enough to deal with it.

I bet that GIRLI here knows what I am talking about. She is pretty sure that I can't deal with it.

» "How Old is Your Son?" (A Valentine's Day Story)

I was talking about something completely different, and, out of the blue, he interrupted me mid-sentence and said, "How old is your son?"

I immediately felt depressed. I gathered my shit together as best I could and told him how old he was, and said, "This is the most difficult thing I deal with. I dont feel ready to go there yet."

When I told my shrink how old my son is, he said, "Oof."

I said, "Oof? Why did you say that?"

He said, "Because that's a tough age."

» Forced to Confront Things that We Dont Feel Ready or Strong Enough to Confront

He did not care that I wasnt ready to go there.

When he asked those two questions .. that's when I thought, "This is going to be bad. I can tell already. I am so not ready for this."

He asked:

  • "When was the last time you saw your son?"
  • "When was the last time you talked to him?"

A part of me felt like it would rather be anywhere else .. than sitting on that couch.

That's when he said, "Let me tell you a story."

He told me a story about his own dad, and his mom, and his situation growing up .. which bore obvious similarities to my own.

Except he is sharing and relating the story of his experiences growing up .. he is telling me his story from a son's perspective.

I am not going to tell you his story because it is personal. He told me about his experiences growing up .. and how he felt about them, both then and now, and why he felt that way. Especially why.

He was plain. You couldnt misunderstand him even if you tried.

After a number of visits with your shrink .. you start to become comfortable with them, and you are able to share life-stories and experiences that are more personal and private.

» I Got Sick as Shit that Very Night

It made me feel like hammered dog shit when he shared his story with me .. but I appreciated him sharing it. I got the message.

I felt numb walking out of his office that day. I was definitely tweaked. Dazed and confused. Disoriented.

I remember thinking, "This is my worst Valentine's day ever." And I have had some shitty Valentine's days.

I told my shrink, "I have thought about it .. and if I made an appointment to take the train up to Orange county to see him .. and she trick-fucks me, and she is not there when I arrive .. which she has done countless times before .. I do not know that I am strong enough to handle that. I am still pretty fragile from the treatment. Whenever I see him, I need to be prepared to deal with her. And I am not there yet. She is unstable and knows how to be nasty. It was like I had somehow tapped into a vast reservoir of unprocessed anger and resentment."

The night of the very same day that he started dealing with me about confronting this uncomfortable aspect of my life .. I got sick as shit. It was like you snapped your fingers .. and I immediately felt sick (about 10PM) .. with the lung crud.

I was feeling very depressed. (I was just telling Rita about this.)

The last time that something like this happened .. where I got sick as shit after feeling very depressed .. was when I heard the news about Julie Allen.

With Julie Allen, I got sick twice in a row .. like it really bothered me. Like it really affected me .. in a surprisingly strong way. I dont think I have ever gotten sick twice in a row like that before.

» Let the Grinding Begin

That was a long, cold dark winter .. full of many sub-low points where I wasnt sure that I would be able to make it .. fending off the relentless attacks.

I do not want to reminisce about my darkest of dark days .. but that winter .. that would definitely be in the final mix .. for the absolute low-point in my life .. when you add everything all together.

It was a different kind of soul-fucking low-point than the cancer treatment.

There are certainly ways of looking at this thing .. at this long, cold, dark winter of elite-level soul-fucking .. where you feel like hammered dog-shit for what feels like a very long time ..

.. there are ways of looking at it .. where this experience was more difficult to deal with .. than the cancer treatment.

» Forced to Confront and Deal with Some of Life's Most Difficult Threats

With cancer, you immediately have the existential threat to confront and deal with .. that you might not be here this time next year.

There is also the threat that you might leave your son fatherless .. to fend for himself. And how can he not resent you not being there?

Of course, I had other things on my plate to deal with at the time. But the news about Julie Allen seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back .. so to speak.

I remember trying to figure it out .. because I would like to be able to avoid such things in the future .. if possible. Maybe there was something I needed to learn?

I knew that I could not handle many more winters like that .. so I was desperate to figure shit out.

Long-term stress weakens the immune system .. all of my doctors say. I mean, how can it not?

Confronting these things, as you might imagine, makes me feel defeated. It brings back many memories that are far from pleasant. Very far.

The effects of which continue to this day .. which are obviously affecting my mental health .. in a negative sort-of-way .. among other things.

I have been sleeping a lot more lately. I tend to sleep more when I feeling depressed. On the good side, I have not been feeling anxious.

I told my shrink last week, "Feeling depressed doesnt bother me very much. I just sleep more. I would much rather feel depressed than anxious."

» My Experience with Depression

For me depression seems to last 3 or 4 days, on average. If I get a 2-day depression, that is cake. Not much there.

When I am feeling depressed, I dont do much of anything physical, and not very intellectual, either.

» deepRest

DeepRest .. I have heard it called. That is a good way to describe how it feels. You do not feel like doing much of anything .. except resting.

The Two Bunch Palms resort, out there in Desert Hot Springs .. is very much about deepRest.

Quiet. Restful. Rejuvenating. You do some reading. Some sunning. Lots of soaking in their world-class hotsprings. More soaking. Daily massages.

The mind-altering intense desert heat during the day .. puts you a yogi-like trance .. where the meaning of life becomes clear, and your purpose-in-life appears before you. There is definitely a spiritual aspect to wandering about in life-threatening heat.

Many-a-time I have come away from a 3- or 4-day stay at Two Bunch thinking, "Wow .. you dont realize how wound-up you actually were .. until you unwind."

Eventually you are done resting. But, if you have pushed yourself too hard for too long .. or if you suffer large, emotional life-traumas .. this means that you will need more and deeper deepRest .. because your ass will be dragging harder for longer.

You need to take time to process the effects of the soul-fucking emotional traumas in life .. and deal with them in a responsible and deliberate and honest and respectful manner ..

.. where you can eventually say to yourself that you did not simply pretend like these soul-fucking emotional traumas didnt really fuck your soul all that badly.

What you are looking for here is the place where, the perspective where, you can now look down on this thing .. because it is now smaller than you. And where you can speak about it with honesty and insightful reflection .. without getting overwhelmed by the reverberations that might emanate from the memory of it.

[ This is where some of these hypnosis videos can really put you in a super-relaxed state .. which has been described as » a blissful state of deep rest and relaxation called trance. ]

You would gladly go to your happy place .. if you could find it. But you do not have the energy right now to go find anything.

The problem comes because exercise is the last thing you want to do. But after day 4, I need to get out and get going again.

Your mood is very much affected by your physical condition and fitness.

Some of these sessions (1-hour) with my shrink can trigger uncomfortable things that affect you emotionally.

My shrink is so good that I feel lucky to have him.

It's like school academic classes .. sometimes you get lucky and get a cool, kick-ass teacher, and sometimes you get the miserable, frustrated Nazi-lady.

The end for now. ■

» Radiation tri-blade » I went down to the Moores Cancer Center this week .. for my 6-month check-up. I am 3 years out.

Three Years Out and Starting to Feel Stronger

My check-ups have been falling on the first week of spring and the first week of autumn.

It just so happened to work out that way .. but I like it.

I never used to feel grateful for the arrival of a new season. But now I feel grateful without even trying. I am no-shit glad to be alive.

My exact 3-year anniversary fell back on January 26. I called the Clinical Trials girl and said, "I'm 3 years out today. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling grateful. I'm glad to be alive. I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you and the doctors there at Moores. See you in couple months."

I was surprised when she picked up. She is usually away from her desk. So normally I just leave a message. It was nice that we had a chance to chat. I like her.

Immunotherapy is the future of Oncology.

Anyway, on this particular week, my appointment happened to fall on the exact first day of spring. The vernal equinox fell on Tuesday the 20th at 9:15 AM PDT.

Moores Cancer Center in La Jolla | Main Lobby

And it was a spectacularly gorgeous day. Downright luscious. I could feel God smiling.

I am glad that spring has arrived. The winters are tougher for the cancer survivor. The cold affects you more. It blows right through you.

These days when I go to Moores are always trippy for me. Sometimes I can feel the emotions swarming not far beneath the surface.

I now have the advantage of perspective that comes with firsthand experience and the distance that comes with three years.

Being 3 years out is better than during treatment, or during your first year out, or even during your second year out.

I always leave home early so that I can spend a little time down there and look around and see all the new buildings and whatnot that they are building there.

It seems like there is constantly new construction going on somewhere or other down there.

» I Received Your Christmas Letter, Oscar

Before I forget, I want to tell Oscar from Spain that I received his annual Christmas letter. He writes every Christmas. For years now. I now look forward to receiving these annual updates from him. Where he always shares interesting insights from the politics there and in Europe.

I see you, too, Jehu.

» I Am Surprised at How Much Better I Feel Compared to Last Year

The #1 thing that I would like to report from 3 years out .. is that, I feel considerably better than I did at 2 years out.

I confess that I had the idea in my head that the way I felt at 2 years out would be the way I would be left with after treatment.

My oncologists were talking here about moisture in my mouth following a return of the salivary glands, which get cooked from all the radiation.

They were also talking about things like my sense-of-taste returning. But I somehow expanded these conversations to mean that the way I felt at 2 years out would be the way that I would feel from that point on.

The problem was that I wasnt feeling very great at two years out. Nowhere near where I was before treatment began.

After spending a few years in a new environment .. you start to figure out a few things.

» The Best I have Felt Since Treatment Ended

On the road to recovery from cancer treatment .. which is no short road .. the thing that the cancer survivor is really looking for .. is a return to that place where you had the same vim and vigor and energy and stamina that you had before.

It may be difficult to put into words the thing that I am looking for .. but I know exactly what it is. I know exactly what it feels like.

Anyway, I am so happy that I was not limited to how I felt at 2 years out. I told my oncologist, "This is the best I've felt since treatment ended. I feel considerably better than I did at 2 years out. I am actually starting to develop a sense of physical stamina."

» That was a Very Stupid Thing to Do

Shortly after I was determined by my doctors to be cancer-free, I knew that I wanted to move beyond this thing and return to the place where I was, physically speaking .. as quickly as possible.

So I did what I usually do when I want to become physically fit. I pushed myself physically. I kept going even after I was tired.

The next day, I thought, "Oh, that was a very stupid thing to do." I was so tired that it hurt in ways that I cannot even describe to you .. in a way that you will understand.

It feels like every cell in your body is hurting and telling you continually that what you did was a very stupid, which you should not have done.

It took me 2 weeks before my ass stopped dragging from that. It was actually 2½ weeks before I felt normal again. So I learned that I was operating, physically, in a new world .. where I cannot physically do what I had done before.

I have learned that physical recovery is a much more gradual thing than you would prefer. The slope to physical recovery is much more gradual and much longer than you could imagine.

At the end of this 2½ weeks, I was not in any better shape .. because I couldnt do anything but try to rest. But finally, some 3 years later, I am now starting to develop a degree of physical stamina. Physical endurance. Physical fitness.

And no, it has not been easy. About 6 months ago I began in earnest to try a regain a degree of physical stamina.

» You Almost Need to be Neurotic About It

The mindset that you need to accomplish such a thing is close to fanatical. You almost need to be neurotic about getting in shape. Because you never feel like it.

The endeavor has not been without setbacks. The path not linear.

I have learned that the more I think about it, the less likely I am do exercise that pushes me physically.

Everybody agrees that regular physical exercise, when done smartly, is a good thing. But getting to the gym is another story. You know what I am saying.

And for the cancer survivor .. the distance between knowing that I should do this thing and actually doing it .. this is a long ways, my friend. This is a lot of ground to cover.

I had been waiting for some type of pre-treatment vigor and strength to return .. because I felt exhausted much of the time.

» Returning from a Place of Profound Physical and Emotional Exhaustion

After treatment you are exhausted, as you might imagine, both physically and emotionally. You are actually beyond exhausted, but that's another story.

I remember telling the Dog, "I did not know that you could be this tired and still be alive."

You have definitely been to places that you did not even know existed. And these are not very nice places to visit. Nobody goes to places like this unless they absolutely must.

But you do not really mind this deep sense of exhaustion because you are glad to be alive, and glad to be declared cancer-free.

» Year-One Compared to Year-Two

I did pretty-much nothing but rest for most of that first year. I may have walked up the street a hundred yards and back .. but not very often.

The cancer survivor spends most of that first year just putting on the weight he lost during treatment. I started at 180 and dropped to 140 frighteningly fast. I have put back on half that weight, and now hang out at 160-ish. Maybe 162. .. if you caught me coming out of In-n-Out. But I am comfortable here.

It takes the cancer survivor a considerable amount of body-energy to build back 20 pounds. I think that this is why you dont feel like doing much of anything but resting for that entire first year.

» I Could Not Seem to Make Any Progress in the Fitness Category

The second year was very stop-n-go. I could go a few days, but I could not sustain any type of pushing it. And I was still fatigued much of the time. If I pushed it, my ass would drag for days. And felt beyond merely tired.

For much of the second year, it didnt feel like I could make progress physically speaking. I would do something to stress myself physically, and then get tired and rest for a number of days. But I just seemed to return to the place I had began. I could not sustain anything. I could not build on anything.

This deep sense of exhaustion wanes as you move away from treatment .. but the gains are far more gradual, and you must work for them 5 times as hard.

I try not to think about it. I try to just do it, without thinking about it. Because, if I think about it, I can easily come up with a million excellent excuses for why I shouldnt do this today.

The voice in my head says, "Dude, if this is so hard, and the gains are so muted .. why are we even bothering?"

But I really wanted to look good for my oncologist. It almost felt like you are going on a date with a girl who you want to impress. So I just stayed with it .. despite the seemingly miniscule gains and herculean effort required.

In the beginning days, I would just come home and lie down on the bed and pass out cold. I would be shakey-tired. And I am not talking about any great feats here.

» It Affects So Much of Your Life

The thing that makes it difficult to move beyond this thing .. this treatment thing .. is that if affects so much of your life.

Every time you swallow, you are reminded of treatment. If you talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes .. you are reminded of treatment.

I could go on and one here .. with my stomach and food and taste and other things .. but my point is that this is not an easy thing to move beyond .. because it affects so much of your life.

The head guy who ran the radiation machines told me near the end of my treatment, "I think that the reason why your treatment may be the most difficult of all .. is because it affects so much of your life."

If anybody would know...

» The Place Where I was Before Treatment Began

Speaking of great feats .. before treatment I could run the hill here outside the house » 4 times. Walk down, run up.

It's probably the length of a football field. I have actually run it 6 times .. but that kicked my ass severely.

Even in the days before treatment began, after I had been diagnosed, I was still running the hill .. because it helped tame the anxiety.

The anxiety that follows a positive diagnosis .. it is severe. I had no problem checking off the box labeled severe in my weekly questionnaires that asked about anxiety.

[ During teatment they gave me generic Ativan, which I found very effective against anxiety. I would take one at bedtime and sleep like a baby. It is a nice, clean type of feeling. Not like the narcotics. ]

» I Got the Message .. in a Big Way

I still remember the last time that I ran the hill. It was during the very first week of treatment. Sure, I felt like shit .. but I have run before when I wasnt feeling so great. And I usually fely better after the physical exertion.

But not this time. My body let me know in no uncertain terms that this was a » very stupid thing to do. I was hurting badly .. for quite a while. I got the message. I got the it in a big way. And I never did run that hill again.

It was a dark place for me .. where this thing I could always do .. now I could no longer do. And I didnt know if I would ever do it again.

» When Half a Hill is a Glass Half Full

I would like to report that, very recently, I have run HALF the hill. First I started just walking it. Then I would run 10 steps or so. Then 20, then 30. It took a long time (months) .. but now I can run half the hill.

Of course, the second half of the hill is much harder .. which is why I am not doing it. (Yet.) The day when I can run the hill once .. this will be a big day for me. Not very long ago, this seemed like such an impossible feat.

I am so happy that I can run the hill again (okay, half the hill) .. that I dont even care how sore my legs get the next day.

Sometimes they feel pretty rubbery .. but I dont even care, because the soreness reminds me of what I could not do .. for nearly three years.

"My legs havent felt this sore in a long time," I think.

» Transitioning to Annual Check-Ups

My oncologist is going to see me in another 6 months, and then we will switch to an annual check-up schedule .. alternating with my ENT surgeon.

Going to a year .. this seems like such a head-trip. I mean, it's a good thing. A good sign. A sign that things are going well.

I remember when my Chemo oncologist dumped me right after my 4-month PET scan came back good, saying that I didnt need her any more.

That was such a strange feeling. I mean, it was a good thing .. but it somehow didnt feel that way.

This guy, my radiation oncologist, he is a teaching doctor. He always has some cool, smart student with him. This week he actually had two students. One from Brazil .. who told me where not to go in Brazil.

(I slept at this Brazillian chick's place one night .. a half-block from the beach in Santa Monica .. after she had spent a night at my place in Laguna. No sex was involved, but I admit that I am fascinated by other cultures .. how they see the world. We went to breakfast in the morning .. and I had a lot of questions.)

I learn a lot from listening to him talk to his students. He is a good teacher.

They spray the cocaine up my left nostril and run a scope up through my sinuses and down into my voice box .. where they look around .. on a TV screen that I can't see.

Sometimes when they are talking their medical lingo .. and they are talking about the things that they are seeing .. I dont really want to know exactly what they are talking.

What I really want to hear is when he pulls the scope out and turns to me and says, "I dont see anything that looks like cancer."

» Reflections from Day #23

I want to cite for you something I wrote when I was 23 days out .. which is the worst of the worst. See here.

Between you and me .. the thing I am really looking forward to .. is that day when it occurs to me .. that this 'thing' .. this cancer thing & especially the EFFECTS of its brutal treatment regimen .. is/are behind me.

I cannot say that today, tho. Because this 'thing' is all up in my ass, presently. Like a toothy croc munching on your butt.

My chemo doctor told me that "the three weeks after treatment ended" would be the worst-of-the-worst .. due to the 'cumulative' effects. If anybody would know.

» You Know the Worst is Over .. But It Doesnt Feel that Way

The chemo fucks up your blood .. which fucks you up. You can watch the numbers on the counts plummet over a number of weeks.

You do not know the meaning of the term 'anemia' until you've had a chance to experience a few chemo infusions. I remember one of my doctors saying, when I was on the way to recovering .. I remember him saying, "Whenever hemoglobin falls below 11, I start to get worried."

During treatment, my hemoglobin was waaay below eleven. Like 7 and change. This is the reason why you feel so tired .. on a level that it is not possible for me to adequately describe .. if you have never actually experienced it.

For my second (of three) chemo 'infusions' .. my counts were too low for chemo. My neutrofils were too low, a type of white blood cell. They check your blood right before chemo. That morning. They pull your blood and run it straight to the lab.

An hour later, they sent me home and said, "Come back next week, and we'll try again."

So, at this point, on day #23, when I was writing this bit .. I was at the END of the worst-of-the-worst. Now, merely knowing that the worst is behind .. this brings a degree of comfort, sure. The only problem here is that your body is not feeling that comfort. No, sir. Not hardly.

We are talking about a very dark place .. physically speaking. I remember thinking, "I know that they're not trying to kill me .. but, it kind of feels like it."

» Revisiting a Bad Place from a Position of Strength

I did something this during visit that I have never done .. in the last three years » I brought along my treatment planner with me. My 2-month laminated treatment planner (Dec/Jan). The one with a big black X over every day of treatment. The one that the Clinical Trials girl made for me.

I had written much info on that planner .. such as appointment times and pick-up times, and confirmation numbers. And many things changed along the way .. so there were numerous updates. Along with a number of key phone numbers.

Every one of those X's .. let me tell you .. was earned. (Abel knows what I am talking about.) The old-fashioned way. The hard way.

The difference between wanting to move beyond this thing, and actually being beyond it .. this is quite some difference, my friend. Quite some distance.

You may be done with the worst of the worst .. but the worst of the worst is not done with you. Not by a long shot. I know you feel me.

» The Thing I So Looked Forward to Is Finally Here

I showed it to my doctor, and his students .. of when I was in the 'thick' of it.

This is my way of revisiting a bad place from a position of strength. He saw me then, and he sees me now, and he is a witness of sorts to the difference.

From where I was .. to where I went .. to where I am now .. this is quite some arc.

There was definitely a death-n-rebirth pattern to the whole experience .. these last three years. That aspect was not lost on me. No, sir. Not hardly.

There is a passage in Psalms that talks about how » "Their soul abhorred all kinds of food, and they drew near to the gates of death."

I get that verse better than most people. Much better.

I could not say this thing last year. I could not say that I felt like I was beyond this thing. But now I can say this. This is how I move beyond these things.

» The Inspiring Courage of Those Survivors of Sexual Abuse in Gymnastics

I have been thinking about the dynamics associated with moving beyond bad things .. because of these gymnastic girls. These remarkably brave gymnastic girls. And I doubt that I am the only one.

Very inspiring, these girls. It takes years to move beyond some things. And it's not easy. Oprah knows what I am talking about.

» Coping Mechanisms Constructed in Childhood Can Become Hindrances Later in Life

This 7-minute video from the Academy says that the things we construct as children as ways to deal with difficulties .. can become the very things that work against us later in life as adults.

I have found this to be true in my own life. This has been my experience. At first, I didnt want to admit it .. but I kept bumping into the same things. The same issues. I could see the problem(s).

A strength over-used quickly becomes a liability .. as everybody knows in the field of personal and professional development.

This is because you keep relying on this thing that has worked for you in the past. But now you need to develop other skills .. because you are now in a different environment. A different situation.

Your life as an adult consists of different circumstances .. where these coping mechanisms that you constructed in childhood are now interfering with your functioning as a adult .. where more maturity is expected of you than is expected of a child.

Quote from Alice Miller (1923-2010)

I know that this seems obvious .. but putting these concepts of personal and professional development into practice .. this is more difficult that it first appears from a distance. Considerably more.

» Speaking to a Thing in an Authoritative Voice .. Yet Lacking Firsthand Experience

Though Tony Robbins - a big, strong, powerful, wealthy white male - needs to educate himself more. I would have thought that he wouldve had a better grasp of optics.

I give him credit for his response statement, tho. Because it is easy to see how someone like him could be blind to the intracacies of #MeToo. No?

Tony Robbins apologizes

He is the opposite of a small, weak, poor, young, vulnerable girl. The model-of-life that he constructs will not incorporate many of these types of viewpoints. (I feel like I am stating the obvious here.)

For him, #MeToo was about other things (» significance and certainty) .. as compared to the women in it. You cannot speak to things for which you have no firsthand experience.

Well, you can certainly speak to them .. but your voice cannot stand up against the firsthand experiences of the women themselves. You can comment and speculate all you like .. but in the end, you must defer on the grounds of firsthand experience. (This is how I see it.)

It was a strikingly ignorant thing to say. You almost can't believe what you're hearing. "It's not about significance," I caught myself saying to Tony. "It's about being able to do your job without being sexually harassed. Duh."

And notice how I didnt even mention the apparent lack of compassion. But no one will deny that he was articulating his perspective and views of the #MeToo movement .. and particularly, how bad it is for men who are in positions of power.

I am sure that there is a woman or two somewhere who wanted to tell him "Go fuck yourself, Tony .. mister new age enlightenment."

His response gave me the sense that he was genuinely contrite, and not merely trying to save himself financially. (I could be wrong, sure.)

That lady called him out publicly. That's not easy to do. It's not even easy to speak in front of an auditorium full of people. Good for her.

» I Took Margot Robbie Home with Me from Moores

You know .. last spring, when I was down at Moores for my 2-year-out check-up .. I stumbled upon this magazine there on the table in front of me while I was sitting in the waiting area of Radiation Oncology (.. facing the bamboo garden) .. which contained a feature on Katie Holmes.

Many things in that article spoke to me. I had already been writing secret love letters to Katie Holmes. .. since she is now a director-chick .. and I happen to have some experience with director-chicks.

I like director-chicks. Director-chicks know how kick ass and take names. (And they always want to have plenty of sex. You have to pace yourself with a director-chick. And you will need to be in excellent shape.)

I could not help but notice how she was just cast in Lucky Logan (2017) as Bobbie Jo Chapman, ex of Channing Tatum's character.

Katie Holmes as Bobbie Jo Chapman in Lucky Logan (2017)

She is the reason why Channing's character is planning to blow up a bank vault with famed bank-vault blower, Joe Bang.

And she says things to him like, "I have full custody. You are shit. You have no money. I am moving out of the state next month with our little girl, because you suck as a father, and you dont smell very nice, either .. to be quite honest. So please shower before you come knocking on the door of my very fancy house. And besides, I have a Pilates class that I need to get to."

I may be adlibbing there a bit .. but suffice to say that it is too easy for me to put myself into this scene. Almost impossible not to.

» I Knew that I Shouldnt and I Tried Not To

Anyway, when I was down there at Moores earlier this week, I was naturally cautious about picking up a magazine. Then I saw that giant one with Margot Robbie on the cover.

I knew that I probably shouldnt, and I tried to resist the urge to touch it .. but she was simply too much for me. This is the November 2017 issue of W.

Margot Robbie on the cover of W magazine

I was already done with my appointment and lunch and simply waiting for my ride, who said that he'd be there in 10 or 15 minutes.

When I saw that photo of Katie Holmes on the cover last year, I didnt recognize her at first .. until I read the text there beside her face. But when I saw Margot Robbie .. I knew exactly who it was. (Brad Pitt knows what I am talking about.)

I took the magazine home with me. I stole Margot Robbie from the Moores Cancer Center. I got her right here with me.

She is an interesting girl .. for a number of reasons. My ego is convinced that she likes me.

She was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress this year for her portrayal of Tonya Harding. She is not just another pretty face. Just being nominated along with such a group of talent, and being recognized by your peers .. that must be a great feeling.

Allison Janney, who played her mom, her shitty mom, won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

» The Art-n-Craft of Convincingly Becoming Someone Else

In this article that I am reading about Margot .. the very last passage before the black diamond reads »

"I understand them both, but I miss Tonya more. Some characters, like Daphne, I can let go of very quickly. But not Tonya. I'm still not done with her. I found it hard to shake her off."

I have always wondered about the ability of the actor to deal with the dynamics of becoming another person .. to a very convincing degree .. of being completely consumed by this character .. and then moving on from there .. when the film is over .. when the carnival is over.

This seems like such a sketchy thing to me. What is the difference between acting well and temporary psychosis?

They say that this was one of the things that made River Phoenix vulnerable .. that he had trouble separating the two. He would get 'stuck' so to speak .. in the character, right?

I am interested, I confess, about the rituals that an actor might embrace in order to discharge the remnants of a character. I mean, this is how you move on to the next character.

What if the actor works all the time, and doesnt spend much time as just themself? Then what?

Such a thing smacks of a psychological daredevil, no?

I think that the reason why I am interested in such things .. is because I dont think that I would like to do that. (I have enough trouble just trying to be myself.)

» Countless Times in Some Other Lifetime

As I was looking at the photos of Margot there in the magazine spread, my ego was convinced that we mustve made love countless times in some other lifetime, or in some other universe. She probably hears this kind of thing a lot.

» Margot is a Wow Girl

Notice how they portray her as a Wow Girl at the end of this trailer for Terminal (2018). I know a wow girl myself. Wow girls make you say 'Wow' a lot. Scooter knows what I am talking about.

I dont think that they necessarily try to do this. Rather, I think that they just can't help themselves. It is when they are most just being themselves .. when you find yourself saying 'Wow' the most.

So I guess that it was just a matter of time before I wrote about her.

More later.

There is a blue moon occurring later this month on the 31st.

» Radiation tri-blade » I can feel the opiods kicking in now. I had a root canal earlier today. This was my second. My first was just last week. Six days ago. They have me on antibiotics. Amoxicillan.

First Root Canal

I just took a half-pill. I have never taken more than half .. being the lightweight cancer survivor that I am.

Back before cancer treatment ever began, my dentist told me that I should have all my teeth yanked out because he had seen before what happens to patient's teeth after this cancer treatment .. where they blast your mouth and throat with phenomenal amounts of radiation, including your salivary glands, which get cooked microwave-style.

He said, "A year or two later and all your teeth rot out at the gum-line and then you need 28 root canals."

I was shaking walking out of that dentist's office. As if I didnt already have enough problems to be concerned about with a positive diagnosis for squamous-cell carcinoma .. which had already killed plenty of people.

Well .. I am 2½ years out now, and I just had my second root canal today. I never had a root canal before last week. My teeth have been pretty good, most of my life. My mom told me that "good teeth" were one of the reasons why she married my dad.

The Gist of the Problem

I am seeing now what the problem is regarding these root canals. Sometimes my salivary glands seem fine. But sometimes they dont. And I am not really sure why they sometimes seem to work better than at other times.

But a root canal is required when the decay goes far enough down into the tooth. Most cavities form on the crown, which is further from the root.

But the dry mouth makes the area around your gum-line more susceptible to problems. They tell you this even before cancer treatment begins. It is a known problem. Well known. (I do lots of rinsing with warm salty water and baking soda. This feels good.)

And if you dont catch the cavity right away .. because the gum-line is already so close to the root .. these types of things quickly become fodder for root canals.

I dont need any more root canals. Just these two. Both of these are from the little teeth in the middle on the bottom. Easy to get to.

» New Radiation Machines

Regarding the difference between my dentist's orally apocalyptic predictions .. and my own existential reality .. might be due to the new radiation machines that were invented within the last decade or so.

These new machines 'sculpt' the radiation .. to where you want it to go, and away from those places where you do not want it.

It is a very math-intentive operation .. which is different for every patient. Because every patient is different.

From a techno-geeky perspective from someone who loves to learn how shit works .. especially cool shit .. these machines were giving me a total boner.

And then, to see these machines passing slowly right in front of your faces .. maybe 12 inches away .. well, this was something entirely. You can actually see the pins moving and adjusting as the head passing right there in front of your face. (Which is bolted down firmly using a formed plastic mesh .. so you dont move at all.)

They are doing some serious-ass science on your ass. And I was able to appreciate what they were doing better than most patients. I only wish that I didnt feel like such hammered dog crap while they were doing these things to me.

I also have two broken teeth .. in the back, on the bottom. They need crowns. But that's another story.

» It Felt Like the Pain Went Down into My Soul

Speaking of another story .. my housemate back when I was living in San Clemente said that he needed a root canal when he was a kid and that his dad was too cheap to spring for a shot of Novocaine. "It hurt so bad," he told me, "that it felt like the pain went down into my soul."

Today's root canal hurts worse than the one I had last week. Last week, I didnt even need any pain meds. I was so stoked.

But this week, for this tooth, they shoved a metal rod down into my jaw bone .. as extra support for the tooth. That sucker hurt when he did that. Ouch. I am sitting here with a piece of ice pressed against my lower jaw and that feels much better.

This guy knows his shit. Root canals and crowns .. this is all he does. He is an expert in root canals and crowns.

He is very no-drama. Very low-key. Almost bored. Which is nice, because I was feeling very un-bored when I went in last week for that first-ever root canal. He must have said five times, "Let me know if you feel anything and we will stop."

» The Unspeakable Term

The very concept of drilling down into the rotten core of a part of you .. this is not a very pleasant image to hold in mind .. let me tell you.

In the office, they dont even use the words "root canal." They simply say, "RCT." When I overheard them use the term, I said, "What's RCT?"

When they told me, I thought, "Oh, I can see why you use 'RCT' instead."

The girls that run his front office are some of the best I've worked with anywhere. And I have dealt with more front offices than I care to recall. They almost make you look forward to your next root canal.

I probably gave up on this root canal ten times. They are like, "This is not unusual. Dont worry, we will resubmit with a different x-ray." They also had me get a letter from my radiation oncologist .. detailing my treatment and the effects of such treatment. (They liked that letter.)

» Oh My God

Back when they were first planning to blast me with high-energy radiation, I was curious about how much radiation they were planning to use .. because radiation is my thing. My degree is in radiation protection.

Anyway, I didnt want to know. Maybe I was too scared to know. But when this letter came in the mail, I looked at it, naturally, and there were the doses listed .. individual doses (exposures) listed by date and accumulated totals. The letter almost had a legal feel to it.

When I saw these doses that I never wanted to see .. I said, "Oh my God." [ And realized that it was good intuition that I didnt want to know. ]

I thought, "If I ever let somebody get this much radiation, I would've been fired a thousand times over."

» Have a Nice Day

The reason why I so appreciate these front-office people is because they deal with the bureaucratic aspects of getting these procedures approved by the insurance companies. After treatment, the cancer survivor is less equipped, emotionally speaking, to deal with bureaucratic tangles.

One dentist told me, "Your coverage does not cover these procedures. But it does cover extractions .. so we will wait until you need an extraction and then we will pull out your teeth. See you later, and have a nice day."

I may be dramatizing his statement a little .. but that is most certainly the essence of what that dentist said.

» Calling from the Edge of Another Abyss

Every time I encounter such things, and I need someone to talk me away from the edge of the abyss, I call cousin Patti. I said to her, "I hate to just call you, cuz, when I am freaking out .. but you are just so good at it .. at putting things in perspective."

When things are going well for me, we dont talk nearly as much. But she is like, "Dont worry about it .. you can call any time."

» Email Problems

I also want to let readers know that a couple of the unused email accounts that I have were hacked and sending out countless emails for Russian brides. Gmail and Yahoo and some of the big email services blocked the whole site. So I can't SEND emails to folks with those accounts. Which is pretty much everybody.

It just gets immediately bounced back. Even if I am simply replying. I have since deleted these hacked email accounts, but until I straighten things out with Gmail, I can't respond to email.

But I can still receive emails fine. No problemo. (I see you KJ. And I loved the photos of Japan from my South African friend .. who is having a baby girl next month. I am so happy for him. His first. He will definitely be a good dad.)