2009.June.29 » Was doing good until sunset on Father's day. Then it got to me and the blues arrived. Used to resist sadness, fight it. Now I just go with it. Roll with it. Flow with it, like a canoe downstream. (Resisting and fighting just wears me out.) Been here enough times that I know the drill. No big deal.
Sensitivity & Suffering
There's a prophetic verse in Isaiah saying Jesus was ".. a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." So it seems okay to be sad, tho not particularly pleasant. I get kinda numb, distant. Feel like crying.
Been reading a book on Zen a friend gave me. Interesting ideas, perspectives. For example, here's a passage I found particularly thought-provoking.
The context is about rejecting the notion that anything that doesn't involve serious effort (and usually pain-n-suffering) is somehow unworthy or worthless. But the concept can be applied in other ways. See here:
Now there do seem to be times when verve & vigor are appropriate. Times when force works with, and not against nature. As Shakespeare said, "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune." [Julius Caesar, Act 4, scene 3]
But when the tide is not at flood, when mere brawn is up against granite, the effort to go against nature seems more stupid than splendid.
At best, one could say with the French general of the Charge of the Light Brigade, "C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre." To call it splendid is to base one's evaluation of man on his animal strength over what is more characteristically human » his intelligence.
This mis-evaluation is perhaps based on the common distrust of intelligence on the part of those who lack it, as something tricky, cunning and weak-spined. But this mis-evaluation also reduces the standards of human character until they are more applicable to pachyderms and rocks than human beings.
For after all, is the final test of character really just in seeing how much suffering you can endure? Your ability to endure depends on how insensitive you are. But being human is about, above all, being sensitive. And this means, the measure of character becomes, among other things, the quality rather than the quantity of your suffering.
For the depth and quality of human consciousness is outlined and defined by its borders, beyond which there are things it cannot endure. Thus, our very weaknesses are our strengths. As Lao Tzu said, "Suppleness and tenderness are associated with life, while rigidity and hardness are associated with death."
So I guess this pain means I'm still alive. Court tomorrow. Gonna paddle my canoe up to the courthouse. All I have going for me is love (for my boy) & the truth. But sometimes in court, truth goes a-begging. [ No, love and truth are not always enough .. not in the courtroom, where lawyers rule. ]
By the way, did you know that Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching (6th century BC) is the world's 2nd most translated book (after the Bible)?
Speaking of the Bible .. I know this guy from the coffee shop .. who's studying to become a priest. He's always poring over some gnarly text, such as (most recently) Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics. So he usually has interesting ideas to share.
He's more incensed at the injustice than anyone. He thinks I should make-up false allegations of my own as a way to combat "fire with fire." Strikes me as odd to hear this coming from a future clergyman. "That's not me," I told him. "I don't wanna win that bad." He prays for me, tho.
He has told me that my relationship with the Bug is "the best of any father/son relationship" he's ever seen. (He's seen us together dozens of times over the years.)
Another guy at the coffee shop (from Georgia), who went thru similar things, told me he had to "finally stop caring" about his kids .. as a way to stop the heartache.
"I can't do that," I told him. (Tho I can certainly see how somebody might get to that point.)
Surprised me to see, while reading the book on Zen, a reference to the technique I've been using for years to handle this insanity. They call it » mushin, and describe it this way:
To be in a state of mushin is to have a mind like a mirror. It graps nothing. It refuses nothing. It receives but does not keep. The perfect man employs his mind as a mirror.
It's as tho I see life playing out before me, on a mirror. It's about me. In other words, these Restraining Orders have my name on them. The police reports have my name on them. And I can see them, and it's all rather interesting, and at times unbelievable. Yet I take none of it personally. It stays "over there" (in the mirror) .. cuz if I were to take it personally, it would eat me alive.
I developed these techniques, of course, not for any Zen practice, but rather as a coping mechanism .. out of necessity (survival). But friends have long been saying, "I don't know how you do it," and "You have a very Zen approach to all this." (I just never knew what they meant by that.)
Now when it comes to the Bug, that's a little harder to "mirror-ize". But I do everything I possibly can. I see him as much as the courts will let me, and I love him as best I can in the limited time I'm allotted. I give him as much quality attention as I can, etc.
And any detrimental effects he might suffer as a result of this insanity lie with factors beyond my control. (Friends have helped me get to this place. I used to feel responsible for everything .. even things beyond my control.)
2009.June.20 » Friends have long suggested I contact the newspapers (such as the LA Times) regarding the ongoing (and continuing) false accusations of child abuse being levied against me. (See previous entry.)
Contacting the Press: Desperate Measures
There have been more than a dozen accusations filed with various state agencies (including police departments in 3 different cities). All of which have been deemed "unfounded".
In the past I have contacted my Congressman and State Senator. But that seemed to do little good. (They simply forwarded my complaints to the court. Won't be voting for them, you can be sure.) So yesterday I contacted the Press.
Don't know if they will help (or know somebody who can). But I'm desperate and don't know where else to turn. This has been going on for way too long, and it's damaging my son.
Making a false police report (btw) is a crime.
Everybody familiar with the details of the case have two feelings in common:
- Profound sense of injustice.
- Concern for the psychological damage being inflicted on an innocent little boy, who is repeatedly being drug from the police station (where they pull down his pants and photograph his private parts) to the CAST facility, where he is forced to talk about things that little 4-year boys should never have to discuss.
I don't however, want to leave the wrong impression. The Bug is so cool, that despite all this krap we've been thru (for years now), I'd still, if given the chance, do it over again.
The court does not let me post pictures, but I can assure you he is (as one friend put it) "drop-dead gorgeous." Not only is he beautiful (sorry, I'm gushing), but he is the coolest & so much fun to be with. And he has the coolest voice.
The thing people comment most on however, is his vocabulary. He talks surprisingly well for a 4-year old (and ever since he was old enough to talk). He can carry on a decent conversation with an adult. Unfortunately, he's had to use that skill more than he should've. More than *any* toddler should.
Writing about him is close as I'm gonna get this Father's day. Come to think about it, I've never seen him on Father's day. (Christmas either.) Something to look forward to.
So maybe you'll be reading about us in the papers soon, and about how the system continues to let a mom put her toddler-son thru this disgusting stuff (during his most formative years) despite more than a dozen accusations .. all of which have been deemed 'unfounded". You don't have to go to law school to know that ain't right.
The system that was put in place to protect kids is letting my son down. And you shouldn't need an expensive lawyer to get results from the system .. not when the welfare an innocent little boy is at stake.
If somebody happens to see my son, please tell him I love him and that his tomatoes have started to turn red.
2009.June.16 » Woke at midnight .. to a disturbing dream. (Didn't get back to sleep 'til 3:30.) Mighta had something to do with the call I received yesterday .. from a detective at Newport Beach PD. (The numbers of several detectives are programmed into my cell .. all of whom contacted me first.)
Or maybe it was the Restraining Order I got last week (my 3rd) .. that's preventing me from seeing my son. This stuff is emotionally exhausting.
Like any artist familiar with affliction, I didn't wanna let good angst go to waste. So I fired up the laptop and resumed my study of the UNIX shell.
10 Points to Illuminate the UNIX Culture
Somewhere 'round 2AM I stumbled upon » The Art of Unix Programming (» book at Amazon.com), by Eric Steven Raymond. (Tho I can't recall how I got there.) He's the guy who wrote How to Become a Hacker, which I quote from time to time.
In his treatment of Unix Programming, ESR uses words like culture & philosophy .. which caught my attention .. cuz I've always been fascinated by other cultures .. not so much for the better/worse comparative aspects, but rather for the mind-expanding effect one gets from truly seeing the world from another's perspective. Plus he writes well, which I appreciate. Couldn't stop reading.
Here are 10 statements/ideas I found particularly interesting and revealing. Perhaps you might also. (Minor Rad editing for brevity.)
- Unix was born in 1969. That's several geologic eras by computer-industry standards — older than the PC or workstations or microprocessors or even video display terminals.
- Few software technologies have proved durable enough to evolve strong technical cultures, transmitted across generations of engineers. Unix is one. The Internet is another. Arguably they're one and the same one.
- Unix has supported more computing than all other systems combined. It has found use on a wider variety of machines than any other operating system - from supercomputers to handhelds & embedded networking hardware, through workstations & servers, PCs & minicomputers. In its present avatars as Linux, BSD, MacOS X & a half-dozen other variants, Unix today seems stronger than ever.
- Unix's durability & adaptability have been astonishing. Other technologies come and go like mayflies. Machines have increased in power a thousandfold, languages have mutated, industry practice has gone through multiple revolutions. Still, Unix hangs in there, producing, paying the bills, and commanding loyalty from the best and brightest software minds on the planet.
The part of today's entry dealing with the Unix culture continues here » 10 Points to Illuminate the UNIX Culture. The part of today's entry dealing with the call I received from the detective continues here » Woke at Midnight
2009.June.14 » Been learning the UNIX Shell, which uses a command-line interface (from a terminal) .. something I've wanted to do ever since we upgraded to the Virtual Private Server last year. (Linux is a variant of UNIX.)
Quest to Learn the UNIX Shell (bash)
Even basic knowledge of (how to use) the Linux command line makes life administering a VPS much easier.
The Shell is simply a program that allows users (like me) to interact with the operating system (sometimes termed the 'kernel'). It can be conceived of as a 'layer' sitting between you and the operating system .. hence the term » shell.
Several shells exist, but nearly all Linux distributions come with » bash (Bourne Again Shell) .. cuz it's free, powerful and easy to use.
On my laptop I have installed a copy of Ubuntu Linux that I use to learn the shell (practice). Before jumping into learning the Shell, I figured this was a good time to upgrade my 'installation' of Ubuntu .. to the latest release (» v9.04, 'Jaunty Jackalope').
So I downloaded » this virtual machine (1.1 gig, using uTorrent). Had trouble getting it connected to the Internet, but that was due to my own inexperience with VMware, and not due to any short-comings of Ubuntu.
Anyway, I am really digging learning the Shell, cuz it's something I can use right away. For example, yesterday I upgraded the blogging software we use here at Radified (Movable Type) to the latest version (» 4.26). Something that used to take hours to accomplish was done in minutes .. (using a series of Shell commands). Beautiful.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Quest to Learn the UNIX Shell (bash)
2009.June.09 » XML is the foundation for several next-generation web technologies, such as XHTML, Ajax, RSS and Web Services. So it sounds like a good thing to know.
Learning XML
While HTML (the language of the web) is used to display information (how data looks), XML is used to structure & describe information (what data is).
XML is easy to learn, but comes with a set of related technologies, such as:
- XPath .. which is used to extract data from within an XML document (similar to how SQL works).
- XSLT .. a styling language which transforms an XML document/file into something else (such as HTML, PDF, ASCII or another XML file).
- XQuery .. provides advanced query functions on XML data, similar to SQL. More powerful than XPath.
- XPointer & XLink .. which work together to create hyperlinks to XML documents and to sections within XML documents (even if/when no named anchors exist, which is pretty cool).
So there's a lot to learn. (I'm about knee-deep into it.)
Since XML is just plain text, XML documents/files can be created or edited with any text editor, such as Notepad or Wordpad, which come with every version of Windows. But they provide no advanced features such as:
- line numbering
- tag completion
- syntax color coding
- checking for well-formedness
- validating XML files (against DTD & Schema)
- collapse & expand sections of code
I heard that the best (most feature-rich) XML editing software that's FREE is » Microsoft's Visual Web Developer 2008 Express Edition .. which I downloaded and installed.
Holy moly. Big download. Couple of gigs. They make you register the software, too. Took me a long time to finish everything .. after downloading all the updates (including the security patches & SP1, plus installing Microsoft's SQL Server 2008 Express).
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Learning XML
2009.June.05 » The Bug woke extra early this morning. I was kinda hoping he'd sleep-in cuz I stayed up late last night, long after he'd fallen asleep. But no matter, he said, I wanna watch Harold.
Where are my boots?
So I put on Harold, fixed him some chocolate milk & Cheerios, and figured it was a good time to grab a quick shower.
Few minutes later he came in and says (excitedly), It's raining, dad!
.. which is kinda a big thing here is SoCal, where it rains so rarely.
Next thing I know, he returned with an urgency, announcing » I gotta go poops
.. and proceeds to fill the bathroom with a wonderful aroma .. that can only be fully appreciated by those whose sinuses have been opened by the steamy mist of a hot shower. (The joys of fatherhood.)
Before running out again he says (excitedly), I'm doing the trench!
The trench is a ditch we dug yesterday .. some 10-feet long and a shovel's width wide/deep .. that we filled with water to make a » trench. In other words, you could substitute the word 'mud' for trench.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Where are my boots?
2009.June.01 » My driver's license was suspended today. Actually, it was suspended back in January, but the suspension didn't take effect until today. Won't bore you with the gory details, but it had nothing to do with my driving.
Learning to Ride the Bus
So I've been researching the bus schedules here in Orange county .. and been impressed with their system.
For example, they have a trip planner, which allows you to enter a point of origin and a destination, and the planner will spit out an itinerary, which you can sort in differents ways, such as » by fastest route, fewest transfers, or shortest walking distance. Impressive technology.
I even placed a few calls today .. to ask questions about things I couldn't find on their web site, and had zero wait-time. Very pleasant people, too. Again » impressive customer support. Whoever runs that enterprise is doing a great job.
Facts I uncovered:
- OCTA doesn't use transfers.
- Costs $1.50 each time you board a bus (any bus), including those at so-called 'transfers points'. So if your trip involves a transfer, that's $3.
- Day-pass costs $4. So if your trip will involve more than 2 boardings (which they normally do), best to purchase a day-pass.
- Kids 6 and under ride free. So the Bug is good to go. (He's 4.)
- Exact change required, as drivers don't make change. (Passes can be purchased from driver.)
- Week-pass also available .. for $20. (Doesn't seem like a great deal to me.)
Today's entry concludes in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Learning to Ride the Bus | OCTA
2009.May.31 » Back when I investigated how to create a webpage template, a couple weeks ago, I really had in mind the notion of using a template as the basis for a new Rad guide .. not one on Dreamweaver Templates however, but rather one for » Drive Imaging & Disk Cloning. Today I created that template, and began a new Rad guide.
Started New Guide » Drive Imaging & Cloning
Definitely takes longer to get up-n-running when using a template, cuz you first must determine exactly how the guide will be structured .. and what items to include in the template, and what parts need to be editable.
Can't just start cranking out pages of text and entertaining new ideas (.. like I used to) .. leaving the details of page structure to deal with later.
Templates force you to pre-think everything up front, before you begin generating content-one. They even force you to anticipate changes .. which is new for me .. especially since I've grown accustomed to the ready-fire-aim approach, which leaves the details of page structure for later .. but by then it's difficult to make changes .. cuz each page must be edited individually (.. hence the need for templates).
I was so eager to get started on the guide that I actually had to start over (several times) .. due to major template modifications. (Arrgh!) Kept getting new ideas .. things I wanted to add/tweak.
You can always modify a template, as that's what they are designed for. But when a template requires many edits, it seems easier to just start over and create a new one. (Something I'm getting good at .. from all the practice.)
Today's entry continues & concludes in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Started New Rad Guide » Hard Drive Imaging & Disk Cloning
2009.May.26 » Cool dream last night. Ultra-realistic & vivid. » In a cozy cabin set up in the mountains, I'm cooking a batch of my world-famous puttanesca .. when shortly before sunset I hear this heavenly singing. So I set down my big wooden spoon and go investigate.
Pavarotti Drops by for Puttanesca (Dream)
Opening the front door, I see (with snow-capped mountains framing the distant backdrop) Pavarotti and another fellow walking up the dirt path. [ No, I don't own any Pavarotti CDs. ]
They're singing (with great passion) the most beautiful songs I've ever heard (Italian opera). Indescribably gorgeous. (Think » sex for your ears.)
Pavarotti has a huge smile on his face. Beaming. He seems like the happiest man in the world. Both men are wearing hiking clothes.
With hand outstretched, Pavarotti calls out, "My friend, forgive the intrusion, but we've been following this wonderful aroma for many kilometers."
I tell him what I'm fixing and Pavarotti responds with a proposition, "If you will kindly fix us each a small plate, we will sing for you *two* songs while you cook, another two while we eat, and two more after dinner."
(each time emphasizing the word » two)
While I ponder his offer, Pavarotti saunters up and says in my ear (quite matter-of-factly), "Many think I'm the greatest singer ever, but actually my cousin here is much better. He just couldn't tolerate the music industry and its shenanigans."
Other than how beautiful the singing sounds, the most poignant part of my dream is how happy Pavarotti seems. Downright radiant, he never stops smiling.
Of course, I invite them in. While Pavarotti warms himself by the fire, I ask his cousin, "Is he always this happy?"
"Yes,"
he answers, "I think there's something wrong with him."
(which makes me smile)
Today's entry concludes in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Pavarotti Drops by for Puttanesca (A Rad Dream)
2009.May.24 » It occurred to me again today, while composing a short thank-you note, that Texans donate more to the Rad cause (this site) than all other states combined.
Texans Most Generous? | A Stati$tical Curio
Never been ever to figure out this statistical curio, seeing I live in California.
I've lived in many states over the years .. including Connecticut (where I grew up), Florida, (where I attended both bootcamp & the Navy's Nuclear Power school), Maine (shipyard at Bath Iron Works), Hawaii (the first state away from home to feel like home), Idaho (gorgeous .. in the summer), Washington, Pennsylvania & Illinois, and vacationed in many others, but Texas isn't one of them ..
..
tho I do recall being enchanted with the sense of expanse there as I drove thru the panhandle on I-40 (on my way to California). There was something compelling about the landscape .. readily apparent soon as we crossed the border. Vast & open. Felt like I could see for a hundred miles. Couldn't stop looking, as if it were beckoning.
So maybe Texans are simply the most generous?
Anyway, thanks to all you Texans for your continued generosity over the years .. especially during these difficult economic times, when so many are struggling financially. I'm sincerely grateful.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Texans Most Generous? | A Stati$tical Curio
2009.May.23 » While surfing the web recently, I've noticed more website authors including a photograph of themselves on their home page (.. places such as here & here) .. aka 'mugshots'.
More Website Authors Including a Mug Shot
I forget when I added it, but my mugshot has been posted there for quite some time. It was taken at night (at the Noguchi sculpture garden in Costa Mesa after a yummy Italian dinner), and the flash illuminated only my image (nothing behind). So the background is dark .. which works nicely with the page design (dark background).
I even sampled the exact shade of black contained in the photo's background, so I could blend the photo perfectly into its surrounding box.
Personally, I like to see a photo of the authors whose sites I visit and whose articles I read. It's been said » the eyes are the windows of the soul.
In other words, you can get a good idea of a person from a photo.
It actually took more courage than you might think to post that pic there .. so prominently .. for all the world to see .. the online version of stagefright. (Tho I wouldn't be surprised if some printed it out, blew it up, and used it as a dartboard .. or for other things.)
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » More Website Authors Including a Mug Shot
2009.May.20 » If you view this home page in Firefox (or a browser other than IE or Opera), you'll notice I added some rounded corners.
Pure CSS-based "Perfect" Rounded Corners
Been reluctant to spend much time focusing on site styling, preferring rather to concentrate on generating » content.
In the world of cars, for example, I've always preferred the spartan cockpit of a Porsche to the bells & whistles you find sitting in a corvette. Tho admittedly, that's just my druthers.
My point » function should never take a back seat to form.
I've considered adding rounded corners many times before. Countless techniques exist. But they always seemed a kludge. (Andy agrees.) So I never felt it worth adding the extra markup necessary.
Techniques that use graphics to achieve their effect involve inserting additional HTML elements that are otherwise unnecessary, because current CSS standards (v2.1) allow only 1 background image per element (while each box has 4 corners). Future versions of CSS (v3.0) will support 8 images per element (for this very reason).
This approach has 2 main problems. First, adding (otherwise) unnecessary markup goes against all that is holy to the Web Standards movement, which touts the tenent of 'Semantic Markup' as one of its pillars.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » Pure CSS-based "Perfect" Rounded Corners
2009.May.18 » If I knew then what I know now.
Ever uttered those words? Looking back on my progression of web skills, one omission stands out » incorporating the use of templates to help develop & maintain the pages of my web site.
Using Templates in Dreamweaver CS4
Templates are both powerful & flexible for two reasons:
- They speed up site development, by allowing the rapid creation of web pages based on a preformed (uniform) structure .. so all your pages have the same look & feel.
- They facilitate site maintenance, by enabling structural changes site-wide via the editing of a single-file .. similar to how CSS works. This aspect of templates is considerably more significant than item #1.
If your web site grows bigger than expected (as they usually do), and you want to make structural changes (non CSS-based changes) to your web pages, you'll have to edit each page individually (.. which suks giant goose eggs). Tedious maximus.
When CSS came along, website designers could transfer all style controls into a single file, so that the look of an entire site could be modified by editing a single file (provided, of course, the entire site was based off of the same style sheet). Very cool development.
But what about structural changes? That's where templates come in. To be honest, I'm not sure if web design programs (such as Dreamweaver and Expression) had the ability to generate templates back when I launched the site. But they do now.
Today's entry continues in Ye Olde Rad Blog III .. see here » How to Use Templates in Dreamweaver CS4 to Help Develop & Maintain your Web Site
For previous month's drivel, see here » May, 2009 |•| Return to » Top